Interracial/Intercultural Dating - Staring? Other Issues?

Why is it that certain interracial pairings are stared more often than others? Over at Racialicious, Latoya Peterson writes about living with her then-boyfriend and his roommate a few years ago.  Often, roommate and Latoya would run errands as the former Mr. Latoya was working.  According to Latoya, people would often stare at them as ran errands, and after one incident, the roommate told Latoya that he didn’t want to go anymore.  So for those of you who’ve been in interracial relationships, have you had any issues yourself?  What do you think of such relationships?

I’ve gone out with a many non-Chinese/non-East Asian men.  Most guys I’ve dated have been white and Jewish (don’t know why…do Jewish guys have a thing for Asian women (and vice versa) or something?  I’ve dated other cultures, but none really lasted long).  People generally don’t stare at us.  Not even Asians who think of see us as the decent-looking Chinese girl dating not-so-attractive white guy (Mr. CC falls along the lines of Harry Goldenblatt from Sex and the City) couple.  I guess people don’t have as many issues if one half of the couple is not conventionally attractive, or at least aren’t open about it.  People would probably have more issues if Mr. CC looked more like Brad Pitt or George Clooney. I am sure, however, that people talk about us behind our backs.  I mean, without knowing him, people won’t realize that he’s a sweet, caring person who loves to joke around, right?

I have had some issues with my relationship with Mr. CC, but it falls more along the lines of upbringing and religion than ethnicity.  Mr. CC doesn’t feel comfortable in anything that is even remotely Christian-related, unless it’s more commercial (e.g. Santa Claus or Easter eggs).  I took him to my high school’s annual holiday concert and he looked uncomfortable, almost as if he didn’t want to be there.  At least that’s the vibe I got from him.  We generally stay away from religiously-related topics because of this.  I don’t know what’s going to happen if we decide to get married, because religion WILL come up.  While we’re both fine with a civil ceremony (as are our parents), the reception may be an issue.  He’s suggested that we have a cross-cultural reception, with foods from both Chinese and Jewish cultures.  Yet, he thinks we need a kosher caterer, because some of his family members are observant.  Sorry, but unless the catering service is focuses on the predominantly Muslim part of China, Chinese food is NOT kosher-kosher.  You can get SIMULATED kosher (i.e. not mixing dairy with meat, no shellfish, no pork, etc but foods MAY have been in contact with the above), however.  Anyway, we’ll talk about this more seriously if and when the time comes.

What I really don’t like is when people go on and on about how interracial/interfaith relationships don’t work out because of cultural differences.  As I said in an earlier post, cultural differences can often be greater in an INTRAracial relationship!  But lots of people just don’t get it and probably never will.  And kids having cultural identity issues?  Adopted kids have them, second generation kids have them and TCKs (Third Culture Kids….kids who have grown up all over the world, generally children of diplomats or military personnel) do too.  As for dating Mr. CC, I don’t think either of us has some sort of fetish.  I’m the first Asian girl he’s ever gone out with.  In fact, I’m the first non-Jewish girl he’s dated.  He didn’t even know all that much about Chinese culture when we first started to go out (he still doesn’t, but I don’t know much either, to be perfectly honest).

Same Race Intercultural Relationships: Can be difficult!

When I was going through my dry spell of not having a boyfriend, my parents talked about sending me to China to work, and hopefully meet someone there.  Yeah.  Mainland China.  Not Hong Kong.  I’m a suburban-raised Catholic girl from Toronto, you know the kind of kid who went to Brownies and summer camp.  I don’t even SPEAK Mandarin (though I DO speak Cantonese).  Why would I have anything in common with a guy from the mainland, no matter how educated he is?  Even if he has degrees from Harvard or Yale?   While they definitely accept my current relationship status (serious and long term with a white Jewish boy), they somehow fail to understand that when it comes to someone who is from the SAME ethnic group, it really doesn’t mean that you’d have anything in common with them.  Of course, you never have the SAME experience as the person you have a relationship with, but really, you need to have SOME things in common in order for it to work.  You need to compromise in a relationship, and chances are, some of the influences and traditions that I was raised in are so foreign to him (even if he spent several years in this part of the world)  that it would be difficult to compromise.

Having had the influence of immigrant parents who are from a culture where family is very important, I need to be able to communicate effectively with the guy’s family.  As I don’t speak Mandarin, how would I talk to the his parents?  And what if they’re critical of me because they find it odd that someone of Chinese descent doesn’t understand the customs?  I already have a grandmother finds her Canadian-raised grandkids are not “as good” as those who lived in Hong Kong (I heard this through the grapevine, but apparently this grandmother said that I was a barbarian)!  In any case, I often worry about these kinds of relationships.  Are they just looking for a passport?  You never know.